Letter to seaflower

In fact by keeping myself busy, I find that it is an efficient way of forgetting the emotional hurt. I had netball game on Thursday. Then on Friday I had Aikido class. When your body is tire, you tend to sleep fast. The next time when u open your eye, it is already next morning.

Here is the letter i drafted on Friday night. Sometime you are able to straighten things out throught writing. This letter helps me to bring up my mood. Its good to let things out at time than to get it to yourself.


Hi,

It’s me. Not sure if u are surprised to see my email. I guess email is the best communication media for me at the moment. Sometime SMS can be misleading.

I am writing this email because I feel that if I don’t you may stop contact me. Ha…at least not in the near future.

On Monday, u gave me a shock… someone sent you roses.

I did not know why I felt a sense of insecure when I knew that. I thought I had have put things behind me. But the thought of losing you makes me uncomfortable.

From your point of view, you may think of me as an insensible guy. Just how often we have meet up and how many times we talk to each other? Yeah, I agree. Not often.

For me, I really cannot explain it. I don’t have that kind of feeling for the girls from LA or other friends. It’s like asking me why there is gravity? I can feel it but cannot explain why the force is there. (Hey! I know it’s Newton’s Law in physic) =)

I have the feeling and you feel nothing. I know that all along through your response.

To make you remember me, I SMS or MMS you almost every week for the whole of last year. Hey this is a marathon record. (Ha) Have to dig out my M1 statements for Guinness World of record. To have better excuse to meet up with u, I join Aikido at NS Home Team.

If you ask me how to know a person well and find out his character, I think the simplest way is to do some activities together. So, wanting you to know me more, I suggested badminton game with you, netball, go Ren Ci together, get you to join Aikido or an oversea trip together and yes, eat crab. Ha… guess I had irritated you with many of my nonsense.

But to see your beautiful smile, my little soft toys did the work. I hope you still have them.

At time, I was disappointed with my inability to impress you. So I started my “kannina blog”. No offend! In fact it was meant for fun reading and self-motivating. But I seemed to have logged too many negative comments. Time to change my style of writing!

Back to this year, after the flag day if you have realized, I seldom contact you. Yah, no more SMS. Hey not that my bill is high, just that you have mentioned to cut down your SMS this year. Indirectly told me to stop SMS ba. (Ha)

Less communication and less jia you, well, my initiative to SMS, to contact you cools down. Thought that I have got over and accepted it.

But it seems my feeling for u is still there. Actually I was hoping to do something for you in the coming months when I think I will have a car by then. I can jog with you every Saturday morning. Send you flower personally on the 14th Sept and get you a birthday cake and of course eat crab together.

Ha, I know you will say – “ You think to0 much.” But I wonder now, should I carry on? May be you are attached by then.

Your admirer, I do not know who is he or whether you like him not. In life, we make lot of decisions. Not sure of yours but I have made one. In any case, I’ll give u my support for your running club or volunteer work when you need me. Some days, if you need a listening ear, I’ll be always there…

You have already made it clear that things are not going to work out. I am not trying to make you change your mind, sympathise or accept me. I just want you to know, there will be always someone at the back, giving you the support you need. I have this simple mind - want you to be happy and am contended to see your smile.


When I make this decision, it means my way of loving u. Please don’t worry you have hurt me. I have grown and learnt along the way. I hope you don’t feel bad after reading my mail because this will jeopardise our friendship and defeat the purpose of this mail.
I always hope to hear from you. Talk about your work, your SVC and your progress. If you don’t mind sharing your Egypt adventure, let me know ba when you are back. I would love to see pictures of you with the camels and pyramids.


JM
16th june 07
I love u and I’ll still u love in my own way!

How to handle it

13/06/07 - 9.40am. I am now in the office. My mood does not since to get back. The kannina feeling kick in. Once it starts, you will be thinking of the some old thing again. Nothing seems to interest me. Though the same old feeling is there, the fear and panick seems to reduce. Slowly accepting the fact? Well, i am not sure yet but i know the pain is as hurting.

At work, I have a few things to take care on hand. First, SAP plan. I need to discuss with Helen the things to take note for SAP validation and next week acceptance test. Next, I have to edit my program for it to be timesheet capable. Escaleen's user right problem needs to investigate follows by finish up FTP program for carpark. I am in such a bad mood, just too lazy to use my brain power, i choose to discuss with Helen first.

The discussion makes me feel better. I seem to forget all the unhappiness while talking to Helen. I listen to every words she said without my mind straying to the Kannina incident. And i speak well too. Not as moody as yesterday. Talking to someone bring up my mood. It helps curing my depression.

Back at my desk, i get my concentration back and keep my mind on the programming work. However, after a while about 1 hour plus later , i feel sad again. Happen that Raymond needs my assistance on IT matter, i went to fourth floor to look for him.

On my way to see him, i met Hani the receptionist. I use to learn malay from her and in a playful way. As usual, i greeted her in Malay and surprisingly i smile and even laugh at the mistake that is in my malay statement. I guess i look as usual to her.

So smile does help. To me it seems that talking to someone you use to joke around with can help bring back the cheerful part of yourself back. At least it works on me.

Now came the afternoon. I had myself buried at my desktop cracking my head on how to solve my programming problem. Yes this time round i was really concentrating on my work. The output of my program does not match the desire outcome. It seem that there are some serious matter to think of and i can forget those unhappy thinking for that moment.

In the late afternoon, i was really tire. Mentally exhausted. Then my good friend Kevin sent me a sms to confirm our appointment later. I confirm immediately. After Monday I am now scare of being alone. Funny thinking will kick in to sadden me. I realise by keeping myself busy as much as possible and talk to people more often can help me bounce back.

But when night's fall, i am back facing my own self. Though i cant hide the fact that i miss her, my mind also has this strange thinking that her character and the activities that she is involved in might not suit me. In short we simply don't much. Am I forcing myself to accept the fact by thinking of the negative point between us?

I dont know but i think of joining her running club on saturday. I just want to give her the surprise and want myself to be with her. I feel that i am too slow in action and that is why someone buy her flower before i could do it. Many of the time i just think and no action.

At the moment i am stilling struggling what to do. Let see if i have the answer tomorrow.

Cant get over it

The sms really affected me. I could not concentrate on my work. I could not find my focus. The kannina feeling kept kicking in. I was down the whole day. Could not really progress much in my programming and could not contribute much in SAP meeting... a kannina zombie day.

What happen to me? The surronding does not seem to interest me. Why am I thinking of her, the shocking sms and what will happen next. Kinda of losing heart now in whatever I do. I am interested in only my handphone. I just hope that she can tell me more... ...

It's addictive to miss a person? Why am I feeling this bad when in the begining I have prepared to lose her? It seems like i still cannot accept this fact.

I guess nobody like torturing themselve nor feel sorry for himself. If i am not able to get myself out of this circle, I will be going round and round with the feeling hurting inside me.

I guess what makes me painful is the refusal to accept fact that she wants to remain as only friend. All the while I still have the slight hope of her accepting me one day. But her sms that came in yesterday is telling me otherwise.

Partially i was hoping to do something with her in the coming months when i think i will have a car by then. I can jog with her every saturday morning. Get her a birthday cake and find more excuse to see her, eat crab with her and drive her home and etc. May be she will think differently of me just one day.

Now it seems not possible if she really like her admirer. What annoys me is that my rival buy her flowers which is something that i wanted to do when her birthday is nearer...

He just ruined all my plan for her. I dont blame anyone just that all this seem to suffocate me. And i have no control over it. I am not sure how soon i can bounce back but i am pretty sure i will bounce back.

Keep myself smiling even if i feel differently. Once u get the spirit right, good mood will come to u.

Yup, though i feel bad and badly wanted to call u, i still restrict myself. I know u will feel bad to know me in such a state... let it go and i will be out of the circle. Guess once u are back from Egypt i will contact u again. Will be glad to hear from u again...

Jia You ba.. my seaflower, u have my blessing... always!

My Feeling

We have little communication since the start of year 2007. So thing seems to go back to where it begin. The time where we didnt know each other. However i was really surprised that she sent me sms on my birthday. I dont remember mentioning my birthday to her but she was able to guess my birthday base on the IPPT date i told her. So she thinks of me at least eh ha.

Recently i knew she was selling charity tickets for handicapped association. I bought 5 tickets from her and because of that she had initiated to meet up with me. It Was a wonderful meet up though i know if not for the tickets, i doubt we had chance to meet.

I was happy on that day not only because we finally meet up after months of waiting. It was also because she gave me a journal which she bought while holiday in Australia last year.

So my heart was in a mix. Well, i didnt expect all this from her. She was doing all that because she just treats me as normal friend -- I told myself

Then today-- 11/06/2007 she sent an SMS asking if i have sent roses to her office. I was panicking even right now while writing this blog. She has a secret admirer!! Inside me, it was terrible. Could not control my emotion anymore i let her know my feeling. I waited and waited for her reply. But she did not reply.

I thought i had gotten over the feeling. But after reading her shocking sms... i start to panick. I know i am losing her. Why this feeling... it hurts so much. It becomes so painful when I think of my plan - deliver roses myself to her office when her birthday is nearer... ... ...

Now everything just seems too late to be done... ... ...