Bounced Back

After a good nite sleep. My mood has bounced back. I sent her a sms with many hearts. Nothing special - Just to wish her good morning.

I was reading the book "Morrie: In His own words". Morrie has mentioned, "we would like to be free, easy, able to do anything, able to take on and conquer anything and live in the world without the need for other people."

In short this is indiviualistic culture where people loses their sense of interpersonal needs. And last nite I was dishearten because of this interpersonal needs that developed on me. I had mentioned earlier I would try to contact her everyday. In fact, I was trying to build up her interpersonal needs for me. I wanted her to feel my present, share all her joy or sadness with me. By contacting her everyday, I realised that I had developed a strong interpersonal need for her instead.

Just like after a day of work in office, you will think of your home. When the nite fall, I naturally think of her. It is not wrong to think of her, but i think it is wrong when the interpersonal need is developed on one side.

I tried not to contact her one day and hoping that she would call me back or at least sent me a sms. Apparently, my plan does not workout. That really costs me some pain.

Dishearten

At the moment I am quite disheartening. I don't know why this feeling. I think it is because i am tired of the one way communication that I initiated all the while. I am disappointed because despite all the effort, she still cant feel my present. It seems that I am just wasting my time all along. Or may be i am just being impatience....

Yah.. a very "Gannina" feeling. And because of this feeling, i didn't even want to contact her when i saw her in MSN. She initiated the chat instead. However i just could not bring myself to chat with her. To be honest, at the moment I really feel like letting her go. I am not sure how long this feeling will last. Just that I slowly believe the saying:

'If you ever want something badly, let it go. If it comes back to you, then its yours forever. If is does not, then it was never yours to begin with."

The toy

The office network at 3rd floor became unbearably slow on Monday afternoon. I left my handphone in head office and thus missed out all the complaints and SOS calls. The next morning when i had my phone back, there was at least 7 missed call from office.

The network was back to normal after my colleague, Lobo, changed the converter. However the admin girls were still pulling a long face when they saw me. The JDE application which they used daily had not yet recovered.

It was month end and with Chinese new year approaching, the girls were hoping to close their reports before the holidays. With this "Kannina" network problem, I could understand why they bomdarded my phone on Monday.

I seek JDE administrators for help but the way these people work pissed me off. They simply had no idea what was happening. All they knew was pushing the problem to each other.

It took almost a day to get the problem solved. I hated that kind of "helpless" feeling. I wanted to help the girls. But the problem was out of my scope and I had to leave it to those irresponsible people. When there is a problem, find the cause and try to solve it. Avoiding the problem like those people did does not help.

I know my courtship lacks of communicaion. I am awared of the problem and want to eliminate it before all my drive and determination faded. Hence I pick up 'Aikido" training near her work place. It gives me more reasons to meet up with her and if luck is at my side, she may want to join me. It is kinda wonderful if we can do something together. It is only then we can understand and know each other.

On Thursday, I signed up the Aikodo lesson. I brought along the Hamster toy. A toy that i bought for her about two weeks back. It was cute. I knew she would like it when i first saw it. I kept it with me because I could not find the rite moment to give it to her. After the Aikido registration, I just wanted to see her because it had been a week since we last met. Luckily she agreed to my request.

Like the first day we met, i was late. I could not find the ovehead bridge that cross the expressway. By the time i found it, i knew i was late. I ran across the bridge and frantically asking the passers-by where the location of the bus interchange. She was there waiting for me.

When I reached there, I saw her in her jogging gear sitting on a bench and chating on her phone. That gave me time to catch my breath. I sat beside her and waited for her to put down her phone. She planned to jog home whereas for me, I planned to chat with her. A conflict in thinking. I felt stupid to run all the way just to say hi. She knew it and agreed to walk with me to the next train station.

Eventually, I had my dinner at one of the coffeeshop with her. At the coffeeshop, I passed her the toy. Yes i was rite. Her smile, gesture and expression told me all. She like the toy. And I guess it was this hamster that made her changed her mind. She walked with me all the way back to her home after dinner. Along the way, we shared some views on many topics. I really hope she enjoyed the walk as much as i did.

Finally we reached her block. I was reluctant to leave when I saw her expession. It was full of gratitude. But still i made a cool gesture and left.

While on the train, I received a message from her. A message that surprised me a little:

"Thank you for being super nice to me. Thank you for everything. I am in bad mood these few days and i hope you are not affected. Let me know when u reach home."

After reading the message, smile to my phone for quite awhile not knowing what to reply.

The Rain

My appointment with kevin was cancelled because of the sudden downpour. We set to jog at Gombak stadium almost every Sunday just to keep ourselve fit and of course in good shape. But this sudden rain ruined our plan.

In fact I was happy to see the rain because i could continue my latest Naruto comic. I had already finished half the book and reluctantly put it down because of the appointment. I don't like to be disturbed when reading comic. Just like watching TV series, I hate the commercial breaks that shown up whenever the show is at its dramatic climax. Its so "Kannina"! Anyway thanks to the rain.

Lying on the sofa and with the pouring rain, I thought its was the best moment to read my comic. It was cosy, everything was in place and i should be enjoying this moment. But somehow, somethings bothering me. I was looking at my Sony Ericsson phone more often than reading how Naruto fought its way to save Sara.

Yes, I thought of her. I knew that she had an appointment with her Nepal friends. I worried that she might soak in the rain. Why this feeling? I don't know. All I know is it disturbed me much. So much that I could not enjoy my favor comic. So much that i could not lie comfortably on my sofa. The urge of contacting her became stronger as the rain poured heavier. I looked at my phone with dilemma:

Should I call her? What should I say to her? ...A.. its raining heavily, Meeting your friends rite, need a lift? What happens if she says, "no.". Most likely I will feel rejected and probably put down the phone. If she says, "yes.". Well, i will be in deep trouble because the car was with my brother.

Some strange thinkings. Eventually, I sent her an SMS that said: "Hey, its raining heavily. Need a lift." I didn't care what would be her reply. The message I wanted her to know was - "I worry for you and I think of you."

I came to realise that when you are genuinely in a love with a person, the feeling of showing the love out is unstoppable . The more you try to hide it, the more painful you come to realise it.

Her reply was something unexpected. She was on her way to JB and that her Nepal stories were not as good as her friends. She was now welling to tell me more. Well, although I didnt have a car, I was prepared to take a cab and fetch her to her friends, giving her the ride. Never would I want to deceive her.

My Plan

I stay at home the whole day. I have nowhere to go and I don't know what to do when out in the street. In my language, its so "Kannina sian". Anyway, its time to start my spring cleaning. At least clear my messy table to make space for myelf to read and draw. Also, i can take the opportunity to browse the web. I am always so lost during the weekend. May be I should find something meaningful to do than to just think of wooing girl.

I am on alert amber in the next two weeks. Thought of preparing myself for the potential mobilization in case it really happens. I am frustrated with those army stuffs and "Kannina" exercises because I always can't find my army items in the store room. It is so difficult to get and pack them into the fullpack.

Ok, now comes to the strategy of creating opportunity for myself. I believe in making contact. It can be in any ways. In the form of emails, phone call or sms. This is important because it reminds the other party of my existent. At least this is what i think. I tell myself to contact her everyday. It could be in the form of email, sms or even msn messager. Of course i will try to initiate a communication channel that is bi-direction. Every message send to her should be sincere and with love.

At the moment, I dont think I have much topic with her. Thus calling her may not be a wise choice. Secondly, I am not sure if she is free to talk. It will be kinda demoralizing when she says she is on another line. So i choose to use msn messager. Some people may say I am stupid in assuming alot of things. I don't deny that. I just want to start with something that i feel comfortable with.

Now is already 11.30pm. I am expecting this girl to login her messager. However there is still no sign of her. Look like it is another "Kannina" day for me.

Eventually, I sent her a SMS, greeting her good nite. Though there is not much of a progress today, I know my hope is still alive because she greeted me back. May be it means nothing to her, but it does warm my heart.

nepal fellowship: January 2006

nepal fellowship: January 2006

My Kannina Decision

The word "KanniNa" is not a vulgarity. It can mean bad, damn it or anything. I get to know this common household word when I served my National Service. "Flick off lah! Mai lai Kannina." - This clause was commonly used in my camp. Generally it means "Come on! dont be an idiot".

I use "Kannina" in this Blog because the word can be anything. Bad, disturbing, idiot and etc. But with the pronunciation, the word is beautifully cute.

My Kannina Courtship - As the title implys, my courtship is not a smooth ride. However I want it to be memorable even if it fails.

I hate to be rejected. I undoubtedly will get depressed and demoralised for a while. Stupid thinkings such as, Is she dating some other guys or Am i irritating her?, inevitably comes to mind. Well, the feeling is very "KanNina" if i think of the bad side. I do not want myself to give up easily despite the bad feeling. Yes I am adapting Naruto's spirit - Never Give Up!

That's the whole reason why i setup this Blog. I want myself to bounce back when caught in that situation. I need something to push and moltivate me. I have to overcome all the "kannina" thinkings and feelings, hopefully one day my love can accept me.