Lost contact

I stopped sms her on Friday. I told myself that i am not going to contact her. So I deleted her number from my phone.

But on Sunday I called her. We talked only for a while cos she wanted to watch TV.

Valentine's day

Today is Valentine's day.

I sent her a nice Garfield picture to wish her good day. Here was her reply:

"Hoping that everyday is a valentine day. a loving day for everyone."

Also I got to know that someone sent her flower. From who i am not sure. But i do hope is a female admirer. Ha.. Am just jealous.

Anyway I sent her flower too. A MMS pic with many many flowers. Am not that cheapo. Just that it is the fastest way to send her my regard.

I wanted to ask her out after work but later canceled the idea because she was busy with her work.

So that is my Kannina valentine day.

Demoralising news

6/2/2006
Today is a Monday. A day that I planned to visit a few places. I need to remake my identity card, driving license and safra membership card as i have them stolen last Decemeber.

It took me half a day to get my identity card and driving license remake. By the time I reached Toa Payoh station, it was already 7.15pm. I purposely planned to make my safra membership card last as i knew she was working around the area. I wanted to meet up with her, to let her see me. Unfortunately she decided to stay till eight pm. An workaholic indeed!




Tire of travelling the whole day, i decided to meet up with her some other day. On the way to the train station, i saw the Popular book stall and went in to check if the next release of my favorite japanese manga - Death Note and Naruto were out. Just too bad, I found non.

Time passed fast. I checked my watch and it was already 7.40pm. While going down the staircase towards the direction of the station, I saw long queue at NTUC supermarket. The country was having lottery fever (about 6 million cash prize) at this time of the month.

I joined in the queue in hope of winning that 6 million dollar. At least i had some exiciting news to share with her if i won it. Ten dollar was spent on quick pick. I checked on my watch again and it was already 755pm. At that moment I was thinking of calling her to let her know that i was still around.

In the end I didnt do it as i thought I might add pressure to her if she was not yet done with her work. I purposely dragged my feet to slow down my pace. I was hoping to see her in the station.

"May be she is now on the way to the station. She told me 8pm she is leaving. I should slow down to see if i can walk into her at the station." With that thought, I missed the first train on purpose.

6 minutes later, came the next train and i knew my thought would not happen. I boarded the train......



08/02/2006
I didn't sms her the last two days because I was kinda tire and sick. After almost two years without getting a M.C, I finally broke the long run record with a half day MC on 08/02/2006.
With a good rest at home, i was ready to go for my first "Aikido" lesson on 09/02/2006. I thought i could go with kerry, my colleague. But he broke a new to me that he could not go for aikido lesson because of other commitment. Well, he was the one who introdced this fantastic self defence martial art to me after all.

The weather was good when i went out of the office. However the sky became dark and soon I realised that it was dizzling. I was worry of getting wet as I have just recovered from my sickness and also it would not be nice to get wet when today was my first lesson.

So I sms her to see if i can borow an umbrella but she did not reply. I waited for a while and then decided to walk in the rain. I would rather get wet then to be late for my lesson. It was dizzling by then and i was not so wet after all.

At the dojo, i went straight to the toilet to get change. Kerry was not here. I was not sure if i was wearing the attire correctly. What was worse, I could not even tie the belt. Fortunately, a senior was there to help me out.

My class started. I was doing the basic technique, forward and backward roll all alone but with instructor - Michelle guiding me. lt was so tiring after the lesson. Might be because I had missed out my lunch and dinner.

After lesson, I thought I could have dinner with her since she was leaving her office also around that hour. Sad to know, she choose to go back with her friend despite learning that i was very near to her office. I was kinda heart broke.

She called me about 6 min later. Her friend's transport came earlier than her bus. I pleaded her to join me but she refused. I didnt insist on that but changed topic to find out her program during the weekend. After putting down the phone, I felt even more tired. The kannina feeling kicked in. I found myself stupid and disappointed. I just wonder why am I putting myself in such a state.


When I was about to reach home, surprisingly, she sent me sms to check if i have reach home. I was a little overwhelmed and stupidly replied her of what I thought - " I didnt contact u for the last 2 days but it seems such a long time to me."

She didnt reply me. However I had let her know how much i had missed her. I felt better by letting my thought out. Yup.. even if she didnt reply somehow i still felt the joy.

When I thought that everything was doing fine, she gave me a shock the next morning with this message, "You are too nice to me... I can take good care of myself. I only want to remain as friends." I was kinda missing a heart beat when I read the message. I was not sure how to reply her. I tried to pick myself up. There was a dying, loosing hope kinda feeling that was torting me. I tried to hard to get rid of the feeling. I numb myself by concentrating on my work. Yes working real hard and keeping myself busy through the days and weeks.

It was not easy....

Unplanned Movie

A famous monk in Taiwan said:

"Tooth are hard and solid. Tongue is soft and smooth. When one is old, teeth starts dropping but tongue still remains intact to the body. Sometime one needs to be soft, so that future can be smoother and longer."

I am enlighten by what he said. I learn not to bite on the problem for too long and be less persistent on things that are not within my control. Always let natural take its course.

I still sms her when think of her. Greet her good nite almost every nite and send her powerpuff girls MMS whenever i am free.

As usual, i sent her Bubbles wallpaper on Thursday afternoon. Normally she would reply me "Thanks for the pic". But on that day, she replied me: " Want to watch movie in the evening? My meeting is postponed."

I was a little surpise but overwhelm with joy that i stopped whatever i was doing in the office. I quickly browsed the web for the possible movies we could catch. Finally i decided to meet at P.S.

Thanks to my colleague. He was in a hurry to fetch his son whose teacher was waiting impatiently for him in the school. He speeded his Nissan sunny all the way from office to Bishan MRT station after work. By the time I reached P.S, I was 20 minutes earlier.

I thought I could boost infront of her on my punctuality. Just then my phone vibrated. She sent me an SMS saying that she would be late.

I made use of the time, walked into a comic store to check for new release of Nauto. Unfortunately it was not out yet. However i saw a few phone straps that were nice.
I thought of buying one and secretly attached it to her phone . I hope she would find the strap in surprise and smile to me in appriciation. However, that was all pure thought. It never materialised because of the long queue at the cashier. I went back to the theatre to wait for her.

She appeared at the theatre about 5 mins later. As always, she was busy. Talking in her mobile phone while walking to my direction. It seemed that she was in a discussion. I waited for her to finish before deciding on what show to watch.

I wanted to watch "fearless"(huo yuan jia) starred by Jet Li. But I worried that she might not be interested in Kong Fu movie. hence I suggested some other shows instead. To my astonishment, she wanted to watch "fearless". May be i didnt understand her enough. I should be more frank next time. Well, it suited my thought and we bought the tickets.

I didnt know why. The atmosphere seemed strange to me this time. I was supposed to build up the relationship but despite of her sitting next to me, I have the feeling of us sitting miles apart. That is the feeling - When I try to get nearer, she seems to move further away.

I tried to overcome the feeling. After the show, I talked a little on the movie and while on the way back, I changed the topic to her work. I was hoping that i could suggest somethings helpful to her. May be she was not ready to accept me or may be i screwed up things again. She listened to me but her expression told me she was worried. Somethings had bothered her.

I was thinking of walking with her back. But her expression suggested otherwise. Thus i dropped the thought. She alighted at her station and I continued my journey home. It was an unexpected outing but the outcome was not as joyful as what i wanted it to be.

Yes the feeling of miles apart put me away. I thought I wouldnt want to contact her today but somehow I picked up my phone and called her. I was thinking that she will say.. yah wats up and I will ans her.. nothing just like to chat with u for a while.

But i had everything wrong. I lost my words when she picked up the phone. I mumbled a few words, didnt even know what was I saying and quickly put down the phone. I was like making a fool of myself. Well it was another "Kannina scew up.

Am I making a step closer? I dont know.