Thoughts......

As I mentioned last nite, too many thoughts cross my mind. I think of things that happened to me, my past relationships, seaflower, the conversation and the moment I had with dae and also the people that surround me. Maybe its a form of reflection, a recollection of my life from past to present. I need to reorganise to move on.

There is one particular conversation between us that makes me think hard...

"I duno...
tell u truthfully
there's alot alot guys chasing me now
bud i am rejecting them all
it's not that i am waiting for u or whatsoever
maybe it's u
that u've set the benchmark real high
till i am sooo...
captivated by u
bud i know it's impossible.."

"Think we are alight ~ alike =p
cos i dun even lay an eye on other gals.. when some tell me... chio bu (babe)
i just look at the floor...."

Actually I told her only part of it. In reality, there is a sense of rejection growing inside me that igitates and affects my mood every now and then.

I am not sure how it happens. Is keeping our memories alive create such rejection? I mean can writing out my feeling for dae deepen my love each nite and slowly kicks my other feelings out of me? I do not know.

It seems we both have the same feeling. It actually delay our progress in life. I am struggling to suppress the feeling that seems to be building up. I do not know why. I always worry for her.

Responsibility. She has been telling me. Maybe she can never understand what I mean by having her as wife in my heart. Since the day I mischeviously carried her. She was already my responsibility. Might be a joke to her. Though I mentioned that I was just a benchmark I had in fact honoured her as wifey deep in my heart. Contradicting as she said, I also has a responsibility to remain committed. For that I could not give her the ring.

I have been hating myself all this while because I cannot be fully committed and also for leaving dae. Chatting with her always seems normal. Maybe thats because i have her as my wifey. The closeness and my affectionate are always there. Sometime i can be naughty enough to disturb her in msn. The chemistry between us is amazing.

She once mentioned she cannot be with me even my choice does not workout. She does not want be a spare. The sentence is still in my head. Spare? Ha.. It will be an insult to me and her if I ever want her as spare. I do not even want her to have such a thought. I have make my choice. Should thing turns out differently I doubt she will ever know it. Let it be in the hand of fate.

I am sorry for causing her to feel insecure. I just want to know how she is doing now. Incidentally, I let my feeling out. At time i cannot even control it. The love, the pain of missing her is very strong inside me. Contradicting to my commitment. Thats why many thoughts cross my mind. I keep searching within myself an answer for all.


As I was getting lost, I ran into an interesting sentence from a monk:


"There is a responsibility to be together and united.
But sometime letting things go is also a responsibility."

Coincidentally her reminders and words came to me too. She is always very direct. It makes me more firm to stop wrting my feeling out. Not only for myself but also for her to move on....and for the people i am with.

Let her go. Be committed 100%. I do not know how and many times I feel emptiness in myself. But I will try do it. For now I will learn not to show it. Maybe write less of my feeling and see if the rejection subside. Ha..What a kannina.

Just like how you talk to my car dae. Close my eye let me say this to you for the last time,

"In my heart.
You are still there. I love u my wifey dae.
Please Love me tender and love me deep."

With Love, i bite.